Faith, What is it Anyway?

Since I have been a little girl, faith to me has been God.  Church was a part of my life.  I went to Sunday school, was baptized and took the traditional communion classes.  This to me at a young age and even beyond was what faith was to me.  Now, it has a somewhat different meaning.  In these last few months my faith has been tested to it's fullest extent.  God is definitely still a part of my faith, but honestly some days not as much as before.  Why would God do this to me, to Jaxon, to our whole family?  If God loves me as much as everyone says, why would he want to see me in such pain day after day?  I know that everyone says God doesn't give us anything in life that we can't handle and he will bring us through everything, but I just don't understand.  People tell me all the time that DJ is in a better place now and that he is happy and a part of me does believe this.  I do believe that he is happy and does not have to deal with the evil of life, but he was happy here with me, with Jaxon, with Audrey, with Zach, with EVERYONE, so how can he be that much happier where he is now?  He is watching the rest of us suffer, cry for him and watching us do things that he would have LOVED to be able to do with us!  I struggle so very much everyday wondering why this had to happen to me, what did I do to deserve this pain?  Maybe I will never know and maybe I will.  I sit alone in the morning, during the day and at night asking myself this same question over and over again and hoping to hear an answer from somewhere, but with no response.  Some days I feel DJ's presence with me so strongly and some days I don't and on these days is when I really question my faith and what it really is.  I guess in the end faith is what we make it.  These days faith to me is God and Family and Friends.  On the days that I frankly don't want to have a relationship with God and when I am so pissed at him for taking my one and only love from me, faith is myself, my own heart.  After all, we have to love ourselves before anything else!