I have had people ask me several times in the last couple of months if I have gone through DJ's clothes yet, and the same answer comes out of my mouth which is, "No." I then think to myself, will I ever be able to take on such a huge task? Probably not, at least not yet. I mean, what am I supposed to do with his belongings? Give them to Goodwill, sell them at a yard sale? Hell No! Those clothes, shoes, bathroom items, tools, and so much more were a part of him and he is always going to be a part of me, so how in the world can I possibly get rid of them or even put them away in a box? Everything in our house is still the same way that it was that day. I guess I feel these things are the only things that I have left of him and I can't fathom having to open our closet or look in the shower and not see his things sitting there. There is the shirt that he wore on our first date, there are favorites that he always wore, there are things that I bought him and I don't want just anyone to have these memories because they wouldn't cherish them the way I do or anyone else that loves him would. I guess some people would say that I need to complete this enormous, emotional, painful task to start to get closure in my life, but what is that going to accomplish? First off, I HATE the word closure. What does it really mean anyways? Does it mean that the memories, the pain, the tears, the heartache will all go away? No, no it won't those feelings and so many more will alwasy be with me! I know that he can't come back, because if he could he would be right here with his family, but that doesn't mean that I can't continue to live in our house with our things the same way that we always did. The week after this nightmare began I still washed DJ's clothes and put them away as if I would have any other day. I still sleep on the same side of the bed, sit at the same seat at the dinner table, and sit in the same place on the couch. These things will not change anytime soon, if ever just the same way that my baby's clothes will remain in his drawers, on his hangers and may never go anywhere but there.
Maybe I am crazy, or maybe everyone else is who thinks it's just that easy to part with so many precious memories.
I'd be the same way Nicole. You will know if it's right to change things, or maybe it will gradually happen, and then for some it may never and I honestly think any of these three scenarios are perfectly fine! Closure. Yeah that one I never get either. Especially for someone so close to you (spouse or child) you can't even explain it. Hold tight, smile and move on when others ask that and know whatever way you go is the way God is walking you through.
ReplyDeleteHi Nicole.....my heart does go out to you......I do know what you are going thru.....a drunk driver took my husband 35 years ago when I had a 8 month old and a 2 yr old......I will not tell you that things will get better.....It takes a long time to even think that maybe you might be getting better.....and even though I have been with my better half for 23 yrs.......I still love and miss my husband every day........But the one thing I have noticed in you blog......you have a beautiful way of writing your feelings....As this blog grows you should start to print out the pages and have them published in a book........Basically a book of sorrowful feelings of what is happening in your life now that you have been robbed of your happiness....if for anyone but you and Jaxon....This will be something he can read to see what a great love you had and how you dealt day to day.......Miss seeing you at work....and pray for you everyday.....we all really do love you.......
ReplyDeleteThank you so very much Debbie!! What you said really touched my heart, truly!! Especially thank you for sharing about your husband because as as much as I feel alone in what I am going through, in reality I know I am not. And, when I hear other people, especially ones that I know personally tell me their story it puts me at ease somewhat, knowing that others have gone through everything I am right now and have made it through! Miss seeing you as well and love to you all!!
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