I Hope You Dance

I heard this song on the radio on my long journey home from spending some much needed time with family and friends.  As I left my mom's house this morning I was in tears, bitter sweet, sad and frustrated tears.  As this song came on, I turned up the volume and felt a sudden sense of calmness.  I felt like DJ had put this song on just for me, for me to relax and really hear what the words were saying to me.  I feel lately like I have been on a roller coaster, an intense, throw you around roller coaster and I needed to come to a screeching hault from my ride and take a step back for a minute and this song did that for me.  I sat in my car alone and listened to the words, really listened to them, through tears and all.  During the last couple of weeks I have felt myself falling into a very deep depression, not only because every day I miss my love more and more, but because I am becoming so scared of the future, of what I am going to do to keep our family going both emotionally and financially.  One of the verses in the song really stuck out to me.  It says "Never settle for the path of least resistance."  This is something DJ would say to me and it is so true.  Something that he told me several times was "one reason I fell in love with you was because of your strength."  I am strong and always have been!  I know that I am allowed my times of weakness, but I have been feeling like that strength has left me for good, that I will  never find that strength again.  For a moment while the words of the song flowed through me I felt like super woman, like I could take on the world and win!  After that moment passed, I realized that I AM super woman and any obstacle that comes in my way I can tackle and I WILL succeed!  I have never been one to bow down to anyone or anything and I will not begin now!  I want to make my love proud of me, our children proud of me and I want them to come out of all this stronger than ever before just like their Dad would want!  I hope that all of you, when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, you DANCE!!!     

Faith, What is it Anyway?

Since I have been a little girl, faith to me has been God.  Church was a part of my life.  I went to Sunday school, was baptized and took the traditional communion classes.  This to me at a young age and even beyond was what faith was to me.  Now, it has a somewhat different meaning.  In these last few months my faith has been tested to it's fullest extent.  God is definitely still a part of my faith, but honestly some days not as much as before.  Why would God do this to me, to Jaxon, to our whole family?  If God loves me as much as everyone says, why would he want to see me in such pain day after day?  I know that everyone says God doesn't give us anything in life that we can't handle and he will bring us through everything, but I just don't understand.  People tell me all the time that DJ is in a better place now and that he is happy and a part of me does believe this.  I do believe that he is happy and does not have to deal with the evil of life, but he was happy here with me, with Jaxon, with Audrey, with Zach, with EVERYONE, so how can he be that much happier where he is now?  He is watching the rest of us suffer, cry for him and watching us do things that he would have LOVED to be able to do with us!  I struggle so very much everyday wondering why this had to happen to me, what did I do to deserve this pain?  Maybe I will never know and maybe I will.  I sit alone in the morning, during the day and at night asking myself this same question over and over again and hoping to hear an answer from somewhere, but with no response.  Some days I feel DJ's presence with me so strongly and some days I don't and on these days is when I really question my faith and what it really is.  I guess in the end faith is what we make it.  These days faith to me is God and Family and Friends.  On the days that I frankly don't want to have a relationship with God and when I am so pissed at him for taking my one and only love from me, faith is myself, my own heart.  After all, we have to love ourselves before anything else! 

Clothes, Shoes and So Much More

I have had people ask me several times in the last couple of months if I have gone through DJ's clothes yet, and the same answer comes out of my mouth which is, "No."  I then think to myself, will I ever be able to take on such a huge task?  Probably not, at least not yet.  I mean, what am I supposed to do with his belongings?  Give them to Goodwill, sell them at a yard sale?  Hell No!  Those clothes, shoes, bathroom items, tools, and so much more were a part of him and he is always going to be a part of me, so how in the world can I possibly get rid of them or even put them away in a box?  Everything in our house is still the same way that it was that day.  I guess I feel these things are the only things that I have left of him and I can't fathom having to open our closet or look in the shower and not see his things sitting there.  There is the shirt that he wore on our first date, there are favorites that he always wore, there are things that I bought him and I don't want just anyone to have these memories because they wouldn't cherish them the way I do or anyone else that loves him would.  I guess some people would say that I need to complete this enormous, emotional, painful task to start to get closure in my life, but what is that going to accomplish?  First off, I HATE the word closure.  What does it really mean anyways?  Does it mean that the memories, the pain, the tears, the heartache will all go away?  No, no it won't those feelings and so many more will alwasy be with me!  I know that he can't come back, because if he could he would be right here with his family, but that doesn't mean that I can't continue to live in our house with our things the same way that we always did.  The week after this nightmare began I still washed DJ's clothes and put them away as if I would have any other day.  I still sleep on the same side of the bed, sit at the same seat at the dinner table, and sit in the same place on the couch.  These things will not change anytime soon, if ever just the same way that my baby's clothes will remain in his drawers, on his hangers and may never go anywhere but there.  

Maybe I am crazy, or maybe everyone else is who thinks it's just that easy to part with so many precious memories. 

Not So Normal Sunday

I am sitting here in the quiet of our home thinking that I can't believe that it has been 2 months and 2 days since my love has left us.  I am also sitting here looking around our empty house with tears in my eyes because I know what a "normal" Sunday would have been like just 2 months ago had that awful night not changed my life forever.  There would have been coffee brewing, breakfast cooking, HGTV or Food Network on the TV, but most of all there would be conversation, laughing, kisses, I love you's.  Now, like so many other mornings, days, nights there is just that empty feeling.  Sunday's were our day, whether it be spending the day as a family or just the two of us.  We loved and looked forward to this day of the week so very much.  And of course Sunday's would always end up with a cookout at our house with family and friends.  This was a tradition that we had just recently started and we loved it!  Amazing food, great friends and our family all together for laughter and fun. 
Sigh.  I miss those Sunday's oh so much.