And It Begins

Within the next 48 hours my life will be complete chaos for a few days, but in a very good way.  My baby girl turned 8 last Saturday and this Saturday I will be having her birthday party.  This means me running around in every direction like a crazy woman trying to make everything perfect for her special day.  Everything from grocery shopping, cleaning the house, decorating, cooking and planning fun activities for the kids.  Sometimes I wonder if I am completely crazy for taking on such huge tasks, but birthdays are my thing!  I always want to make sure that everyone who I love has a perfect day because this is the one day out of the year that is dedicated ONLY to you!  So bittersweet this weekend will be because I so desperately wish DJ was here to share this with us.  He was SO incredibly awesome and creative when it came to parties, especialy birthdays!  I am putting a positive spin on things however, and taking a new approach!  I have to, I need to, I want to and I know he would want me to!

This ain't no fairy tale!

I haven't posted a blog in over 2 month's. Why? Well, I guess it's because I have been trying to live in a fantasy world, hoping every day that I will wake up and be living my fairy tale again. Well, this ain't no fairy tale, this is reality and always will be. This so called real world sucks!! I am so many things when I take a step back from the busyness of my world these days. I am angry and depressed and I don't want this anymore! I want to be happy again, how will I ever get there?? I try to surround myself with family and friends, but this is only a temporary high that only lasts as long as my time away from our home. Everywhere I look, everything I do I think of him and wish so badly he was here to share every moment with me. I was driving the other day and just started yelling, crying and hitting the steering wheel. I want to be happy again and no matter how hard I try I just cant for longer than a couple of days. Especially lately I have been feeling more and more depressed because there have been a few things happen to make all of those horrific memories come right to the surface again. When I see someone who doesn't know what happened to DJ and I have to tell the story again it brings every emotion that I felt that night and for so many days to follow come crawling back and makes me want to not do this anymore. I am so lost in this lonely world and want to find myself again, the me that I was in my happiest times with DJ. I want so many things and eventhough I do have so much with my children, my family and my friends, I will never again have the one man that I could truly call my best friend, my lover, my support and my everything and that hurts more than anything I could ever know. I will never again have the ring that he gave to me to symbolize our love and show our commitment to each other and that kills me every day. We will not continue to plan our perfect beach wedding or watch our children grow together, a pain that grows deeper and deeper with every waking moment. I would give anything to have my fairy tale life back, but I have to settle with this stupid so called life!